when the salt is finished, the worry goes up, and the head lays down...& tears come crossing..

here i am today.

i went to my kitchen , i saw the mediocre cluttered & messed made by my kids & husband , i sighed heavily.i felt i have 4 growing up kids. i felt my ground spinned. i am very "pleased " with the mess if, for some people said as a sign of good growing up. REALLY?!

well then, how come i just can not compute myself into the idea. SORRY.

i felt so very sad, i am a stayed at home mom now, i can not afford to call the cleaners to clean the house, to clean the clothes, to buy fancy dresses for me & others, to enjoy going out & ....yada2x ..the  "can not do" list goes up like a power bills.

"the can not do" list piles up & it is getting heavy on my shoulders , burned in my heart & showered my eyes. "i am doomed".  this is the kind of life i chose for leaving works & handsome salary ???
. i don't have salary since i am a stayed at home mom, i don't have fancy dresses anymore,i don't have time for myself going out alone, i don't have friends, i don't have anything at all....the tears gushed down.


I don' t Have myself & self-patient anymore.

i have tiresome,  i have back pains, limbs pains..tooth pains ...everywhere pains.
but i cant afford to go to the clinic...how pathetic..


so i sat on a table with a laptop looking at the screen...looking for "samsungmom & ribenputih"...
for some odd reason...like an order , an order that i can save for ...i dont know... no dream can be achieved as a stayed at home mom....just so much pains.